Comical Tommy

Reports from La'abour's zany Minister of Information

Sunday, August 29, 2004

More vicious lies!

I see the Liberaldem Infidel has a new weblog. What kind of a joke politician runs a weblog? Only self-serving, duplicitious, wicked people who spread lies, that's who!

You wouldn't find La'abour candidate Nadia Wright running a weblog, I can tell you.

The most vile and wicked aspect of this despicable blog is that it doesn't mention anything about politics. This is a disgrace! I hope she doesn't foolishly think that running an entire other website about politics lets her off the hook. This is a disgraceful, shameless act of dumbing down politics. I am disgusted! I can feel the bile rising in my throat!!!!

Elsewhere, I see that the "Birmingham Post" is claiming that I have admitted being sacked on this website. More wicked lies! I have only ever denied being sacked. Have they no shame?

Of course I was not the campaign manager in Hartlepool, and never was. And the fact that EVERY SINGLE NEWSPAPER IN THE COUNTRY thought I was was due to wicked infiltration by the Infidel. This is a disgrace.

Incidently, some people have commented that I am obsessed with the Liberaldems. This is more rubbish spread by them. In fact, just to prove it, I have put up an article on my other weblog and not mentioned them once. The fact that it was inspired by a news item about the Liberaldems is a mere coincidence, I can assure you.

Monday, August 23, 2004

Wicked, vile censorship!

As many long-time readers will know, I am a big exponent of getting MPs to set up hate sites dedicated to exposing the Liberaldem Infidel for the evil scum they are. It pains me therefore to learn that many MPs are afraid of doing so because they have shamelessly and mercilessly attacked me on my weblog.

It is true I have been the subject of many vile and wicked attacks in my dogged pursuit of the truth - this is the way of the wicked infidel. They are attempting to censor me!!! Perhaps La'abour should ban them from using the internet in order to protect freedom of speech.

It is dreadful, I do not think I can stand it much longer! Poor, poor Tommy.

Sunday, August 22, 2004

Secret plot exposed!!!

The Liberaldem Infidel have hatched a wicked plot with the Conservatives!!! And possibly Al-Qaeda, maybe.

I tell you, if the people of Hartlepus are fooled into voting for the Liberaldems, Michael Howards tanks will be rolling into town before they know what has happened. DO NOT LET THIS HAPPEN!!!!

Now I can reveal that the dangerously left wing policies they have been supporting, such as repealing the death penalty for drug addicts and ending the practice of dismembering graffiti louts, has been a wicked ploy to hide their dangerously right wing policies of closing down all hospitals and killing pensioners. They are a disgrace. And they will say anything to get elected as well!!!

We will throw them out of town!

Saturday, August 21, 2004

Disaster will befall traitors of La'abour.

I have just returned from a few days of watching the Cornish Olympics. While I was there, I had a chance to visit Boscastle which has recently been destroyed by floods. Many thousands have died, and millions more would have done if it wasn't for La'abour Deputy Prime Minister John Prescott manly stepping into the breach and demonstrating his superb kayaking skills. I can tell you, if anyone deserves a gold medal, it is him!

I am disappointed that the appallingly pro-Liberaldem media have failed to mention that North Cornwall has a Liberaldem MP. This is a judgement from God, I promise you. Even now, I understand the people of Leicester South are preparing for an onslaught of locusts, while Brent East is caught up in the grip of a famine that has never been seen before. I wouldn't bet on the first born of Romsey living through the winter either, I can tell you.

It is clear to see which way God will be voting in the Hartlepus by-election. People of Hartlepus - do you dare disappoint him!?!?

Sunday, August 15, 2004


I feel I should clarify some of my previous statements.

There are two types of junkies: evil, wicked monsters who should be flogged, thrown in prison and never released - the type that amoral Liberaldem lawyers disgracefully defend in court, and the sons of senior La'abour politicians, who deserve to be treated with compassion and respect.

I hope that clears up any confusion. Thank you.

Saturday, August 14, 2004

More hospital lies!

Our enemies continue to spread lies about La'abour's plans for Hartlepus Hospital. This is unacceptable!

The Liberaldem Infidel might try to get their wicked spin doctors from London to twist the facts, but this is the naked truth: we are not closing Hartlepus Hospital - we are simply moving it somewhere else. It is a disgrace to pretend this is in any way a controversial idea!

I give you this solemn pledge. As you may know, the La'abour candidate, Nadia Wright, is pregnant. She will be having her fourth child in Hartlepus Hospital - whether it is open or not. This I swear.

Friday, August 13, 2004

I'm not going anywhere

The Liberaldem Infidel are now claiming that I am being sacked for "gross incompetence". I can assure you this is not true.

If I was going to be sacked, I'd have been told, wouldn't I? And they wouldn't choose a time when I was on holiday watching the Olympics. We in New La'abour treat our people with dignity and respect.

Vote La'abour or the Hospital Gets It!

Once again the Liberaldem Infidel are spreading lies. The Hartlepus Hospital is not being closed - it never has been closed! All we ever said was that it should be closed - we weren't saying we were actually going to do it! Of course not! The very idea!! It is nonsense for the Infidel to claim it was ever under threat. They are cowards and scaremongerers and no-one believes them!

That said, while I'm not saying that if you don't vote La'abour we will close it - that would be wrong. But if La'abour DID lose the election, I wouldn't expect your little granny to last through the winter, put it that way. This is not a threat!!!!

Evil lawyer!

The Liberaldem Infidel's candidate has brought British politics down to a new low by being a barrister. I can tell you, no La'abour member would ever dream of being a lawyer.

This debauchery cannot go on! The Liberaldem members are abandoning their candidate in their thousands because of her lawyeriness. She even defended someone accused of a crime once! Are there no depths the Liberaldem Infidel will not sink to? Lawyers should be more concerned with punishing the guilty than defending murderers and drug addicts - where is their sense of justice?! They disgust me.

Saturday, August 07, 2004

Nadia: The Wright choice for Hartlepool

Nadia is a saint of a woman! Rather than spend her first day as the official New La'abour candidate kneecapping Liberaldem Infidel, she took her son out to see the football! This was not the act of a half-assed candidate who didn't really fancy her chances and wasn't going to put herself out for an unwinnable by-election, oh no! It was the act of a loving mother!!! Like it. Like it a lot.

Not like that spiteful witch of the Liberaldem Infidel, who I have promised not to mention. She has abandoned her children in a vicious, yet futile pursuit of a parliamentary seat. These Liberaldems lack basic family values!!! They make me sick - I spit at them!!!!

Friday, August 06, 2004

And the winner is...

Yes!!! I can exclusively reveal to you who the La'abour candidate for Hartlepus is to be.

After a whittling it down to a shortlist of four, the returning officer Davina McCall has announced that the winner is...


Nadia Wright is a Councillor in Hartlepus. A native Hartlepese, she is married with three children. Three REAL children. Not the fake ones you might see in Liberaldem Infidel literature. Real children, I swear!

She won see selection with 78% of the votes! 3.9 million Hartlepus members voted for her! Contrary to the lies of the infidel, La'abour remains a strong party with literally billions of members. We are loved by the people of Hartlepus!

I always said the Hartlepus La'abour candidate must be a woman. And see - we have elected a woman!!! This is exactly as I foretold, you must believe me.

(Incidently, although I have pledged not to say rude things about the Liberaldem candidate, I think she used to be a man).

Nadia's first act as Hartlepus candidate is to go rustle up a posse and drive the Liberaldem Infidel out of town! This is what the good, pouting, gorgeous people of Hartlepus have demanded and this is what they will get!

Wednesday, August 04, 2004

La'abour activists ambushed by Liberaldem Infidel!

This is a disgrace! La'abour activists were out today in their thousands today in Hartlepus when out of nowhere evil Liberaldem dictator Charles Kennedy ambushed them!

This is typical of the sort of name that gives politics a bad behaviour! Never before have I seen a single person behave like a mob in that way! It is shocking what the Liberaldem Infidel will do to support anti-social behaviour. SHOCKING!!!

On a related note, it has come to my attention that the good and honest people of Hartlepus are being inflicted by spoof websites! I will not mention which spoof website in particular I am referring to, but you know who you are, and I am writing your name down in my book. Be warned! We will destroy you with bullets and shoes!!!!

Beyond Parody

Shocked voters in the Birmingham Hodge Hill by-election complained to local journalists about a nasty leaflet denigrating asylum seekers that dropped through their doors.

It read: "Liberal Democrat plans to give benefits to failed asylum seekers were condemned as a 'damned disgrace' by retired police officer and local resident, Roy Hunter. In a letter, Roy Hunter said that people he'd spoken to were outraged at the idea that the Lib Dems wanted to give benefit handouts to those who were trying to con their way into the country."

No, the leaflet had not been despatched by the BNP. It came from "new" Labour's candidate and eventual by-election winner by a whisker, Liam Byrne.

Source: Private Eye #1112, 6-19 August 2004

New La'abour - the Millionaire's Friend

The Liberaldem Infidel have sunk to new depths. Is there no end to their depravity? The latest shock is their decision to parachute a candidate in from Gainford.

This place may as well be on the other side of the planet as far as the wonderful local people of Hartlepus and neighbouring town West Bromwich are concerned. The. Other. Side. Of. The. Planet.

But the worst revelation is that they cynically stopped a millionaire Londoner from standing. This is a disgrace! Just the other day, I was saying that the ideal candidate for Hartlepus should be "a local woman in her mid-40s with some connection with local community groups" a millionaire from London. After all that Peter Mandelson has done for the London millionaire community, it would only be fitting.

I tell you, New La'abour would not dare show its face in Hartlepus if it failed to select a London millionaire.

Just the other day, someone said to me "Tommy, how could anyone beat that historic 27% swing you achieved in Hodge Hill?" I say to them: pah! 27% is nothing. We will get 30% in Hartlepus! 50%!!!! This will be the most monumental swing in the history of swings! You Liberaldem Infidel had better believe it!

Monday, August 02, 2004

Further revelations about the liberaldem infidel

I have grave news. Today, I have learnt that all the liberaldem infidel come from London! Yes, all the people they have running their campaign in Hartlepus spend most of their time working in the same office smoking crack in that den of iniquity, and that includes all the ones who "seem" to be from other places. The wicked swine fake their accents to make people think they are from elsewhere! When they are not writing their vicious lies about Tony Blair, they have wild orgies and go around spraying graffiti everywhere.

No true La'abour supporter would ever spend any time in such a vile place as London. Even I, as a Member of Parliament, have never been there! In fact, I can reveal, we all come from Hartlepus, and always have. It is vile lies from the liberaldem infidel to pretend otherwise. I can prove this!

Once again, I challenge the liberaldem infidel to come out and show us what they are made of. Come to The Causeway and we will fight like men! You must do this!!!

UPDATE: There are no Liberaldem Infidels in The Causeway. Never! I will take you there and show you. IN ONE HOUR!

Liberaldems flee from Hartlepus!

Ignore reports that the Liberaldem infidel are in Hartlepus - they have already fled in terror! We challenged them to a fight on Saturday, and they did not turn up! They run like little girls!

The Liberaldem dogs know that Tony Blair is too powerful for them. They talk tough, but we will hit them with shoes.

Sunday, August 01, 2004

I offer you a truce! Accept it!!

The Liberaldem curs continue to vex us. They are foolish if they believe they can defeat us in the Labour Holy City of Hartlepus.

But I offer a truce. A truce that the dogs do not deserve, but we are merciful. If the liberaldems run away back to their mummies, we will not humiliate with pain and votes and hit them with shoes.

Tony Blair is a fair man, and I urge you to accept this. Do not be a fool to yourselves!