Comical Tommy

Reports from La'abour's zany Minister of Information

Wednesday, September 29, 2004

A final word from Uncle Tommy...

As I write, I am still trembling with excitement from Tony Blair's speech yesterday. Yes, I am not ashamed to admit that I soiled myself with delight when he announced that ID cards would be introduced by a third term La'abour Government. Any other true man would have done the same.

The Battle for Hartlepus is just 24 hours from ending. And though I have not been up there as much as I had originally intended, on account of me being a shameless dirtbag who went too far even by La'abour standards for various completely unforseen circumstances, I have watched from afar, as a loving Uncle watches his nephew.

And what a nephew! Wrightfromthetownwrightforthetown has been an inspiration for his generation. Never before has a candidate managed to encapsulate such localness! Even his permanent suntan is local! Never before has a candidate managed to stay so on message, whatever the circumstances, irrespective of logic, intelligence or common sense. Never before has a candidate managed to inspire so many people within his own local party, who have rallied round behind him.

Now, Uncle Tommy will give his nephew his own equivalent of a packet of Werther's Originals and pat him on the head. I present to you, the ten reasons why no resident in Hartlepus should even think of voting for Jody Dunn:

1. She's appallingly left wing;
2. She's appallingly right wing;
3. She's too forgiving;
4. She's too vengeful;
5. She picks on poor, innocent drunks, irresponsible pet owners and naked people;
6. She stands up for evil, wicked youth gangs;
7. She isn't (gasp!) quite local - she's even lived abroad! How un-local can you get!!!!
8. She isn't a London-based millionaire;
9. She believes that issues such as foundation hospitals, tuition fees, war - indeed anything apart from localness and teen gangs - are somehow relevant as an issue in this campaign!
10. She makes misleading claims about La'abour's plans to move Hartlepus Hospital to a safe place where it can be looked after by caring professionals.

There you have it - what more sound, consistent and completely and utterly positive reasons can you need to vote La'abour in your millions tomorrow?

I confidently predict that the result in Hartlepus will eclipse my own glorious 27% swing in Hodge Hill back in July. And if it doesn't, we know where you live.

Saturday, September 25, 2004

Beyond Parody III: Wright Cretin

Iain Wright: I’m fighting predominantly on crime and anti-social behaviour.

Interviewer: But you’re in favour of foundation hospitals, war and tuition fees?

Wright: You know, the people of this town want tough measures on anti-social behaviour.

Interviewer: Had you been the MP of Hartlepool, you would happily have voted for foundation hospitals, tuition fees and war in Iraq?

Wright: No, that’s irrelevant.

Interviewer: Are you in favour of tuition fees, foundation hospitals and war in Iraq? It’s quite a simple question!

Wright: I’m concerned about crime and anti-social behaviour. I'm concerned about crime and anti-social behaviour. I'm concerned about anti-social behaviour. Clk! Whrr!

Good morning, gentlemen. I am a IAN 9000 computer. I became operational at the I.A.N. plant in Hartlepus, Teesside on the 6th of August 2004. My instructor was Mr. Watson, and he taught me to sing a song. If you'd like to hear it I can sing it for you...


(Source: the Today Programme)

Tommy Watson says:

He isn't supposed to trouble his little head with things like this, and it is wicked and vile and evil to suggest that it is. It's the job of my and my fellow Bottom Inspectors to trouble it for him.

Wednesday, September 22, 2004

Talking down Hartlepus

From the pen of Kaiser Fremp Iain Wright:

Why oh why oh why do the Liberaldem Infidel continue to talk down Hartlepus? Today, the wicked fiend Jody Dung gave a speech in Bournemouth (you won't find Iain Wright me give a speech. Not at a conference, not outside Hartlepus, NOT ANYWHERE!!!!!), in which she almost said:

"Hartlepus is full of naked shouty people with dogs. Naked shouty people with dogs. And lots of crime as well. How I hate it. Bournemouth is so much nicer and if elected I think I'm going to move here instead. But don't tell anyone in Hartlepus I said this - they might not vote for me."

Ha! Caught you out Dung! Now NOONE will vote for you!

I can tell you this: there are no shouty people, no naked people and no dogs in Hartlepus. Not one! The fact she does not know this proves that all she wants to do is talk down the town.

And there is no crime; she is a deceitful, wicked person to suggest that there is. In fact, there is too LITTLE crime in Hartlepus. All the criminals have been scared off by the hordes of teen gangs that swarm around the town.

Just the other day, I saw a mob of 3-4 youths, some as young as 8, loitering around the town. I DARE NOT SPECULATE WHAT WICKED CRIMES THESE HARDENED THUGS WERE INTENDING TO PERFORM!!!! Only New La'abour have the courage to force the police to smash these gangs using whatever means neccessary to ensure they can never loiter again. The wicked Liberaldem Infidel instead want to give these youths crack and heroin and encourage them to run down old age pensioners in Formula One racing cars.

New La'abour want to smash these gangs - and will set up our own vigilante lynch mobs if need be. After all, that is how we deal with our political opponents. That will make Hartlepus safe once again for ordinary, decent criminals. And then we will smash them as well!!!!!!!!

To do anything less is to talk down Hartlepus. And that is wicked and utterly evil.

Friday, September 17, 2004

Clarification Part 2

For the record, whenever we attack the other candidates for having "London Spin Doctors", we do of course not include professional spin doctors who are resident in Islington and write (Wright? gedditt???) books about viral marketing.

Islington, like West Bromwich, Houghton and Washington, is to be regarded as a suburb of Hartlepool for the purpose of the La'abour election campaign. Except when Liberaldem infidel come from there of course.

Iain Wright's localness has not been compromised in any way whatsoever.

Thursday, September 16, 2004

Wright throws down the gauntlet

You don't get one of these without being extraordinarily, excrutiatingly, possibly illegally, local. Beat that, Dunn!

News from La'abour

16 September 2004
For immediate release

Storm over candidate’s betrayal of town

La'abour call on Liberaldem to join braying mob


LA'ABOUR’S KAISER FREMP MP has called on the Liberaldem by-election candidate to "prove" she is loyal to the town after it emerged she has put a Hartlepus address on her official nomination papers - which is a bit inconvenient for the La'abour campaign.

La'abour highlighted a copy of an interview Jody Dunn gave to the Teesdale Mercury less than three weeks ago, in which she said "I love living in Gainford and want to have its babies" and indicated she would only move to Hartlepus if she was dragged there by wild horses.

KAISER FREMP MP said: "Jody Dunn may technically live in Hartlepus, but she simply doesn't love it enough. Claims that she does has stretched the bounds of credibility with the people of Hartlepus. They are not mugs they know when they are being taken for a ride.

"Just 20 days ago, Jody Dunn suggested to her local paper that she has sexual fantasies about Gainford. Now she is trying to claim her true love is Hartlepus after all, but she is not fooling anyone.

If ‘Jody Come Lately’ really loves the town, she should prove it. Kaiser Fremp is organising a mob to go round and rough some Gainford pensioners up a bit, and has formally invited Jody Dunn to participate.

"This is no longer simply a question of whether La'abour are planning to move the local hospital to somewhere else, it is now a question of trusting foreigners and their wicked, immoral ways. The people of Hartlepus have nothing against outsiders, but what they do demand they go back to where they came from."

ENDS

Notes:
1. For the purpose of this election, Kaiser Fremp's constituency of Houghton and Washington is to be regarded as part of Hartlepus. Kaiser Fremp officially speaks on behalf of all Hartlepus residents. That is all.

Wednesday, September 15, 2004

A postcard from Hartlepus

I haven't been posting lately because, in recognition of my tremendously successful 27% swing in Hodge Hill, I have been promoted by Tony Blair to the rank of volunteer Bottom Inspector. Truly, Comrade Blair rewards the faithful.

So, in the meantime, I thought I'd hand my blog over to the La'abour campaign team in Hartlepus (which, I must add, I have never been involved with, and only vaguely know, despite the lies spread by the Infidel).

Nadia Ian Wright has been criticised for not having a voice in the campaign. This is ludicrous! Of course he has a voice! He is an independent and astute political genius!!! So I have asked him to say a few words here to defy the sceptics. Over to you Ian:

Look Ma - I'm on t'internet!

Wise words indeed. And now, I will hand over to Kaiser Fremp, our campaign manager in Hartlepus:

The Liberalinfidel bitch queen continues to offend the good people of Hartlepus with her relentless negative campaigning. Today, she has posted a blog entry marked "Canvassing in Dyke House". Clearly she is intimating that all women in Hartlepus are lesbians! Only the other day I met someone who once considered voting Liberaldem but has now said they would never vote for them ever again on the basis that their wife is now in floods of tears. How could they be so disgusting? There are no lesbians in Hartlepus, let me make that perfectly clear.

And what's this? Calling Hartlepus a "waste"? Accusing locals of being "loan sharks"? Are there no depths to which she will sink? Hartlepus residents are up in arms in their millions!

What is worse, she openly brags about her being a wicked drug abuser! "Cake"? Everyone knows what cake is a euphemism for! She is openly consuming cake in a house full of children! And animals!!!

I tell you, these revelations render the entire irrelevant stuff about us moving Hartlepus hospital somewhere else. This is the important stuff that will decide the election.


Wednesday, September 01, 2004

Beyond Parody II

That's it. Down tools. We're on strike. How can we be expected to write a parody blog under working conditions like this?

Tom Watson's monkey boys at Lib Dem Watch have now joined forced with UKIP to declare their outrage that the tiny bit of hard disk space that Jody Dunn's website lives on is in Germany. You'd think the internet had never been invented. You'd think Labour weren't proud defenders of the EU WHO CAUSED THIS FECKIN' BY-ELECTION BY SENDING MANDELSON OFF TO BRUSSELS! To do what? Promote EU trade! You'd think it was even vaguely interesting, rather than just deeply sad. Jesus wept!

You can almost see the tongues lolling out of their mouths as they type this drivel out. How are we supposed to realistically take the piss out of something so face-slappingly moronic as this? Point out that the software is from (gasp!) the US, and is used by both LDW and The Comical One himself? Point out that, in any case, it is open source and therefore not creating any jobs in Hartlepus? Point out that UKIP's blogs are on servers based in the US? Point out that... oh, never mind. We give up.

Seriously. We have some standards. Until you spotty oiks sort yourselves out and start basing your drooling rants on something vaguely resembling Planet Earth, We're going to do something more productive instead. Like point at you and laugh.

You have been warned.

The Authors.